ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
