he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
PANTIES FOUND
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize