Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
