i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize