I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
