I will die if light touches me.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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