im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
