i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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