I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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