people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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