I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
