Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
