I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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