its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
