I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
