literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
