Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
