The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
