Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
