He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
