There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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