Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize