You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
