I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize