what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
