Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
