bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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