I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
