That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
