Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
