Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
