Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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