I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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