I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
