He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
