I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
