my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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