k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
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