I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
