Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
