somebody snuck up and got me drunk
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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