you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
