Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
