He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
