She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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