It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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