i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
