I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
