I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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