I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
