bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
why do cheetos always look like penises
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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