my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
