That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
