Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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