Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Randomize
