Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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