You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
