Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
