i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
