When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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