woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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