My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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