Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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