Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
