You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize