God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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