I heard we made out
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Randomize
