I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
