so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
